Blog: Clarity

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The feeling that something is not right.

It is a feeling that does not go and provokes the escape that a compulsion must be performed.    Not paying attention to this is now key. Blocks… It is interesting as it is now separated from any ‘obsession’.  Meditation has brought ocd to the surface as it should.  Any thing thats playing with my ‘self’ should be brought to the surface.  Unfortunately its real; its not the same as when i was diagnosed ocd, but some features feel the same.  The intensity comes.. it doesn’t last. It does come back after years now, but i have found proof that with practice one can not pay attention to it.

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Not Buddhism, but Meditation. A refreshing return!

I meet an ex therapist with neutral feelings about how it will go, my recent meditation retreat has taught me to relax, to a certain extent cos its quick to come back.

The retreat was great, a nice push to learn to meditate properly again.. that is going the extra bit further to find that state where you can be aware of thoughts in an extremely low stimuli environment and aware state.  Not just thoughts but feelings.  The first day i nearly had to walk out many times cos the restlessness was so resistfull to any concentrated awareness. So i used to have high levels of OCD.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  Not just the symptom of anxiety but OCD. Although anxiety can be an awfully rude symptom.  I have found with practice before Anxiety can dissapear when you focus on it, with practice.  OCD… well it is confusing at best.  You have to aways look for that extra bit of strength to not ‘give in’ to it how ever it is manifested..   

crushing rushing thoughts and desensitisation, sometimes a remarkable amount, is needed. Its the same, but differen’t on the severe end of the spectrum.. compulsions re-enforce tragically the sensitised idea thought or images just the same

I started my Retreat with doubts and resistance.  I end the retreat in a relaxed, slightly fulfilled way as i respect not only the quality of teaching of the meditations, but the great food, kindness of everyone there,  the meeting of people from differen’t walks of life.  No really.  Today i not only realise how great it was to see my CBT therapist again, but how important meditation will be to me, as a skill to ensure a future accustomed to my Will.

Please check out Stefan Molyneux in this link, because it easily explains my stance on religion, but nethertheless why i need to meditate.
   

Check check the link….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQvNQbDXyGc&list=WL246E6832774A4F6B

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Mental Blocks and Needs here

With ‘argument’ OCD, informal meditation was essential at times. I first used it before cbt to get rid of an obsession. Which was on the right track… I am going to see if a practise, if a MBSR course, can be of use now.

I have begun meditating’, by long walks and a huge amount of effort at mindfulness. Its real because once I break through the mental fuzziness, and let go of an awful lot of resistance.. it gets to wrk, one falls into relaxation and contemplation. I’ll mayb wait for sitting down again once the course i’s on the go.

 

Jon Kabat -Zinns ‘wherever you go, there you are’ is a little repetitive but Not on the vocabulary rather the repetitive nature of the content.  I may well be in part my OCD Vet’ brain telling me this – not coping with the ‘letting go’ of the ideas in each chapter and moving on.  But Its probably part to do with the whole idea of mindfulness and how reading about it is repetitive and feels overwhelming because of this.

There’s a lot of ‘un-doing’, letting go and being wise in the present moment.

For the OCD sufferer, especially, mindlessness may not necessarily seem to be the ‘bad thing.’ (Mindfulness teachers say that mindlessness is a bad thing, as we make bad decisions and fall into negative thought patterns); it may not necessarily be the bad thing because we are, as we are unable to be mindless like the rest of the population and welcome any opportunity to be free of ones OCD.  (the core can be all over, or indeed, constantly pointing to a compulsion)

I am going to assume, that mindfulness is a great thing.  the wisdom i get from Jon Kabat -Zinn and my new book by Paramananda, tells me its a great thing.   As does the many articles i just seen showing great results with PTSD and depression.

 

if we gotta meditate anyway, just to be mindless, may as well go through to mindfulness now.